Pelo en la Sopa
by QuinnDeRavensborough
Summary: Loving spouses Katniss and Peter Everdeen-Pevensie are entertaining relatives and loved ones who are visiting for Midsummer. Meanwhile, will relationships be torn apart? Will long-lost family members find each other again? Will everyone survive dinner with the dog insulting their fingernail polish? Let me know if any of you all have suggestions! :D
1. Chapter 1

"Oh, Peter!" she exclaimed as the two of them rolled through the grass. "We must get back to the house. It's almost dinnertime, and your sisters must have…"

"Now, now, Katniss," Peter said. "Let's just enjoy this beautiful day."

Peter and Katniss Everdeen-Pevensie were out in the fields near the woods. They had gone out for a walk, for a break away from people. Right now, their house in the Victors' Village was occupied by relatives and loved ones, who were visiting for Midsummer.

Katniss stood up. She held out her hand, and helped up her husband.

"Your sisters have probably made a fantastic dinner, and Peeta must have made something tasty, also," she said. "We shouldn't rebuff them- we're required to compliment their culinary talents and skills."

Peter laughed and kissed his wife on the top of her head.

"Let's head home, in that case," he said.

They headed off.

At Katniss and Peter's house in the Victors' Village, Lucy, Susan, and Peeta were working hard in the kitchen, preparing a meal and dessert to remember. Susan was in a foul mood, and was chopping the onions like a ninja.

"I can't believe she would say that about me!" Susan said. "Hermione Weasley, of all people! I would never have expected her to be such a gossip!"

"She had to tell the doctors why you were such a mess," Lucy said, consolingly. "The way you looked when she took you to the hospital…"

"That doesn't matter," Susan replied. "I feel like someone snitched on me."

"You did nothing wrong," Lucy said. "I mean, it is awkward, wetting yourself and then breaking a-"

"Shut up, Lucy!" Susan scowled. "I'll show that Herman Weasles what's up! She'll regret her utter impudence!"

Peeta was quiet for a bit.

Then he said, "I think Hermione is nice."

"You've met her?" Lucy asked.

"Once." Peeta shrugged. "That's not long enough to truly know someone, but she seemed okay and all. I met her during the Victor Tour, in District 7."

"I would have never expected her to work in the lumber business." Lucy sighed.

"She doesn't work in the lumber business!" Susan snapped. "The only stupid dumb thing she does is chant incantations over trees that are going to be made into wands!"

"You need to stop having a grudge on her," Lucy advised, "or else you're just going to bring misery upon yourself."

Into the kitchen walked Lucy's husband and favorite cousin Eustace.

"Is the food ready yet?" he asked.

"No," Lucy replied. "Be patient."

"And remember to shut up!" hollered Susan. "Outta the kitchen, Useless Eustace!"

Eustace ran out of the kitchen for dear life, frightened by Susan's temper.

"You didn't have to be so mean," Lucy said to her cranky sister.

"I don't care!"

"Susan, do I have to ring mother about this? She won't be happy about the long distance costs when she finds out the reason behind it."

"That doesn't matter! I want your loser hubby to not interfere with our culinary practices!"

"Chill out, Susan," Peeta said. "I mean, come one, we're all hungry. Eustace just wanted to fill up, that's all."

"At least my husband isn't as impudent as him," Susan said. "He's a real hotty, also. By the way, Peeta, are you still engaged to that hag Johanna?"

"She's not a hag, she's a lady," Peeta replied. "Also, she told me I had to marry her, because taxes are too tough for someone of her salary. I don't want to marry her, but that's the way it has to be."

Susan's husband Gale walked into the kitchen.

"Eustace just ran up the stairs and said this kitchen is a torturarium," he said. "Susan, were you yelling at him again?"

Susan glared at him.

"I told him to leave in a very sweet and sugary voice," she said. "Now get out, Gale! Scat! Or I'll divorce you and force you to pay an intense alimony!"

Gale left the kitchen, feeling a bit snubbed.

Katniss and Peter arrived at the house.

"Ow!" Peter hissed, stubbing his toe on something. "Why is Haymitch's skateboarding helmet on the floor?!"

"I don't know," Katniss replied. "I'll take it to his and Peeta's room."

"No, I'll take it," Gale said, walking out of the kitchen. "I was going upstairs anyway. Which bunk is Haymitch's?"

"The bottom one," Katniss said. "You look really down in the face, Gale. Are you okay?"

"No. Susan threatened to divorce me, again. This time, it was either stay in the kitchen or be divorced."

"If you're unhappy with her, why don't you get a divorce?"

"I can't! If I divorce her, she'll force me to pay an intense alimony! I don't have money like that! I mean, seriously, I attend a community college and drink at the Goosey Loosey HipDown Diner Pub. How can I afford alimony?"

Just then, skateboarding down the banister, Haymitch came down the stairs.

"Hey, lookee!" he hollered. "There's my helmet! Katniss, I'll be back a little after dark."

"No, you won't." Katniss stood akimbo. "Dinner is going to start soon."

"But Katniss-!"

"No, Haymitch. Dinner is dinner. You have to eat something."

Haymitch frowned.

"First you make me go to the doctor for a checkup, now you make me eat dinner…"

"Of course. Now, go and wash your hands. The food should be ready any minute now."

As matriarch of the household, Katniss's mother Gorse was supposed to say the pre-dinner prayer.

"Dear Lord," she said, "we sure are thankful for this food. Thank you for the wonderful people who prepared it: sweet and gentle Lucy, honest and kind Peeta, and cranky and rude and callous Susan. Thank you that we all get to be here this fine and lovely Midsummer Eve, and please help us to have fun at the community dance tonight, even though Greasy Sae's son keeps hitting on me. Please help him to be dumb enough to think that Haymitch and I are dating. Anyways, please make it so that there are no tapeworms or genetically modified spiders in this food. Also, please make Prim's vampire stop torturing us. In Your name we pray, amen."

The dinner went fine, and all.

Except that Eustace kept sneezing on the food due to allergies.

And Susan kept stabbing her food with her chopsticks, muttering, "Die, Hermione! Die!"

And the rat dog kept jumping on the table, and, since it cruel, kept insulting all of the guys' fingernail polish.

Suddenly, though, there was a knock at the door.

"I'll answer it!" Effie hollered, blinking so swiftly that her mascara dried up and fell in her food.

Opening the door, she was surprised to see such unfashionable people as can be.

"My, oh, my!" she said to the tall, grey-cloaked, tan man with a big white beard standing before her. "Who are you?"

"I am called Gandalf," the man said. He was hold a staff, which he was busy using the poke back the four short guys who were standing behind him.

"I have never heard of a Gandalf," Effie replied. "Are you one of the witchcraft practitioners from District 7?"

"I have spent some time there, which is where I learned to be a wizard," Gandalf said. "I have found a wonderful life there, aside from the wizards Sauron and Saruman trying to kill me. I have come back to my wife and daughters, requesting that they come to live with me and my wonderful life."

"Melmon?" Gorse asked. She stood up from the table, and walked over to Gandalf. "I can't believe it's you!"

She gave Gandalf a kiss right on the lips.

"Katniss, honey!" she said. "Remember your father?"

"Oh, Daddy!" Katniss said, running over to Gandalf and giving him a hug. "I can't believe it's you! Actually, I can't believe it. How do I know it's you?"

Gandalf reached into his pocket, and pulled out something.

"This is my tribal citizenship card," he said, handing it to Katniss.

It said:

Eastern Seam Nation

Name: Melmon Everdeen

Birthdate: 6/6/66

Eye color: Grey

Favorite color: Grey

Gender: Male

Relationship status: Unknown

Gender interested in: Unknown

Amputations/Prosthetic limbs: Unknown

Blood-percentage: 74.32%

Occupation: Bum

"I haven't updated it in a while," Gandalf said. "But now do you believe it's me?"

"Of course, Daddy!" Katniss was so overjoyed.

"But where is Prim?" Gandalf asked.

"She died some years ago," Gorse said, solemnly. "Now, her vampire is after us, chasing us around outside at night and climbing through our windows at night and blogging rude things about us at night."

"I can't believe either of our daughters would be so cruel!" Gandalf was appalled. "Neither of them would ever hurt a fly!"

"Why don't you sit down?" Gorse inquired. "We're having dinner."

"Excellent!" Gandalf smiled. "My four guests, though, will require books stacked on their seats in order to reach the table top."

"Are they little people?"

"Technically, maybe. Their height is more so due to their ethnicity, the hobbits. They can be found all over the northern part of District 7, known as Washingtobritishcolumbia. The southern part, Oregonortherncalifornia, is more so populated by elves, an anorexic race of people who are known to fall off horses."

The first hobbit was apparently named Frodo Matthew Baggins. He introduced himself to Katniss, whom he took to be the leader of everyone in the house.

"Nice to meet you, Frodo," Katniss replied. "May I be introduced to your friends?"

"These are my cousins Meriodic Vincent Brandybuck and Peregrin Falcon Took," Frodo said. "And this here is my loyal gardener and friend Samwise Josephus Gamgee."

"Good day, Samwise," Katniss said. "You resemble in appearance and polite appearance my loyal baker and friend Peeta."

"I told him that," Frodo said. "He looks like a smaller version of Peeta, acts as loyal and honest as Peeta, and kisses me as much as Peeta kisses you."

"Well, don't worry. We support a wide variety of lifestyles here."

"He doesn't kiss me like that. I mean, we're just friends. I mean…"

"Peeta sure was a real dingbat, though. He took all my affection to be romantic, instead of an excessively friendly way to trick the reality TV addicts. He sure got cross with me for breaking his heart into two wee pieces."

"Well, Sam has a girlfriend. Her name is Rosie Cotton. It used to be Rosie Tyler, until, for immigration purposes, she changed it."

Everyone ate the whole dinner.

There were no leftovers, because the hobbits and Eustace ate so much.

It was delicious.


	2. Chapter 2: The Story Continues

"Will you please turn off that stinkin' light?!" Haymitch growled. "I'm trying to get a few winks of sleep here."

"Just a few more minutes," Peeta answered, turning the page in the book he was reading. "I need to see if Telulah kisses Geribold, or if they break off the relationship."

"I wish I didn't have to room with you. You never go to bed at a decent time, and when you do go to bed, you never turn off the light at a decent time."

Peeta looked down from the top bunk where he was.

"You're just a sourpuss old man, aren't you?" he asked. "Can't a fellow read a simple romance novel when it's his last foothold in experiencing, however vicariously it may be, true love?"

"I once was in love," Haymitch said. "Her father didn't approve of me, though. He threatened to shoot me with his Bazooka AK-2000 or whatever."

Just then, there was a knock at the window.

"Why's there a blonde girl with a ladder out there?" Haymitch asked.

Peeta clambered down from the top bunk and walked over to the window.

Opening the window, he asked, "Who are you?"

"My name is not important," the blonde girl said. "Could you please just help me in? Oh, and my friends will need help in, also."

Of course, Peeta, being a nice guy and all, helped her and her friends in.

"What are you doing away from the Midsummer festivities?" Peeta asked. "Shouldn't you be at the community dance?"

"What are you doing away from the festivities?" one of the blonde girl's friends asked. This girl, unlike the blonde girl, wasn't blonde. She had pitch black hair, and a really nice tan. Peeta felt his heart skip a little, and he felt those so-called "natural" feelings that health textbooks talk about.

"Um…" he stammered. _She sure is pretty. I wonder if she's single? No, that one guy is holding her hand. Crap. I thought maybe I'd've found a good excuse to break off the engagement with Johanna. Not that I don't like Johanna, it's just that I don't think I could stand living with her for the rest of my life just to save her from the evil taxes of District 7. Maybe she could immigrate to District 7 ½? I hear it's like a total commune over there, though sharing isn't her cup of ginseng organic honey-lemon tea. _

The blonde girl said, "My name is Tris."

"My name is Peeta."

"I know who you are. I watch reality TV. I can't believe Glimmer said that about you."

"What did she say? I never watched any of the footage. I hope she didn't say anything bad…"

"We'll discuss that another time. I don't want to shock you at her impertinence."

The black-haired girl whom Peeta had the hots for said, "I'm Christina. I'm Tris's right-hand bro."

The guy holding Christina's hand said, "And I'm Will. I'm Christina's boyfriend, as you can tell, because I'm holding her hand."

Tris had a guy holding her hand, also. He had big biceps (boom shaka-laka!), and his jaw was extraordinarily masculine.

Tris said, "This is my boyfriend, Tobias. But you have to call him Four."

"And that's Mr. Four to you," Tobias added. He nodded his head triumphantly.

There was a knock at the bedroom door.

"Oh, drat!" Peeta muttered. "I thought he was still at the community dance. Come in!"

In walked Harry Potter. He was in a lovely bunad (the type for guys, of course; he was long past his days as a drag queen), and he was wearing his usual horn-rimmed glasses with the beads which went around behind the neck. His mustache had been grown out and waxed into elegant handlebars, and his nose whistled at every glorious breath.

"I'm back!" he hollered.

"You don't have to shout!" Haymitch shouted. "I've got a hangover, so your yapping is ruining the pleasantitude of my headache!"

"Is that… Harry Potter?!" one of the guys who came with Tris asked.

"It is I," Harry replied. "And who might you be?"

"I'm Caleb," the guy explained. "I'm the hated brother of Tris."

"I've always loved hated brothers." Harry sighed. "That's why I hung out with the Weasleys so much. But now that Hermione Weasley has insulted the ever so beloved and gentle Susan, I cannot look at that family the same way ever again as long as we both shall live I do."

So everybody became good friends, being loners and all and not having cared twopence that there was cake at the community dance.

"I can't believe he broke up with me!" Christina said the next morning.

"What's wrong?" Peeta asked her.

"Will no longer wants to go out with me."

They were both sitting in the garden in a mud puddle. It had rained the last night (which had moved the community dance from being in the park to being in Farmer Brown's barn; the cows did a waltz with the pigs, and the chickens laid eggs to "Auld Lang Sine").

Peeta's heart beat as rapidly as a dying hummingbird's. Maybe he had a chance to get a girlfriend? I mean, she couldn't ever be as wonderful as Katniss was to him, but still…

"Oh, well," Christina said. "I mean, my relationship with Will couldn't have lasted. He wasn't much into _Gone With the Wind_ and _Rocky Horror Picture Show _as I was."

Peeta now knew that a relationship with Christina would be better than the one he had with Katniss, who hated all books and musicals equally.

"Please, Christina," he said. "Could you… possibly… erm… uh… Would you like to go to Greasy Sae's Crawdad-and-Pike Restaurant with me? Like on a date?"

"I don't know. I mean, you don't seem the dating sort of person. What if you get serious about me? I mean, am I worth taking seriously?"

"We'll see about that."

Peeta felt kind of bad. He really didn't know this Christina person. What if it turned out she wasn't the one for him, and she was so emotionally down and low that it would be unethically cruel to break up with her?

Just then, Christina surprised Peeta. She kissed him right on the kisser! It was disgusting! I mean, seriously, people shouldn't even think about doing something as inappropriate and scandalizingly scandalous as kissing.

Peeta stood up.

"You hardly know me!" he said. "What sort of a fellow are you, kissing someone whom you barely know?"

Christina looked ashamed.

"Sorry," she said. "I… uh… well…"

Just then, out of the house walked Will, holding the hand of Caleb.

Christina stood up.

"Is that why you broke up with me?" she demanded. "You've been cheating on me with Tris's despicable brother?"

"No," Will answered. "But I knew I should break up with you before it led to cheating. It was for both of our's goods."

Christina started to cry, and Peeta felt sorry for her. So he wrapped and arm around her shoulder.

"You're obviously into that Peeta guy, anyway," Will said.

"Well, I always did love a guy who could bake a mean cookie," she admitted.

Caleb said, "I hope you understand the passionate and fiery feelings I have for Will."

"I'm still upset about the situation," Christina said. "I mean, he was my boyfriend, even if he isn't anymore. Also, why would he fall for you, of all people? You're a disgusting jerk! Instead of writing your name on your underwear, you write 'Big Meanie'!"

"You're just being a bigot," Caleb replied. "I mean, if you weren't bigoted, you would accept Will's and my love."

"It has nothing to do with that… He was a jerk who broke up with me- that's why I'm so cranky. He should have realized that dumping someone over text is poor etiquette."

"You probably hate rainbows because they crowd up the sky."

"What in the blue blazes?"

"You just don't understand that-"

"Shut up, Caleb!" hollered Peeta. "No wonder Tris hates you! You're so rude! Anyway, you should be more polite to Christina. I mean, how would you feel if you were in her situation? I remember when I figured out that all of those times Katniss kissed me in the arena were fake. I got so angry. And then, when I saw her kissing Gale behind the fish egg store, I wanted to yell at him and tell him what's-up."

"I don't care, Peeta," Caleb answered. "Come on, Will. Let's leave the company of this talk show psychologist wannabe. He's got no right to give us advice."

Caleb and Will waltzed down the street (literally, because they had to practice for their dance class).

Christina, looking at Peeta, said, "I'm wondering if they're going out together because of abs. I mean, really well-toned abs are a big deal to some people. Not that I'm all into abs- I prefer stout calves and triceps. I once knew this one guy who had zero-pack abs, but gorgeous calves and triceps. I didn't date him, though, because he was a total jerk. I mean, he played the trumpet in a marching band. If he'd been a drummer, maybe he would've been cool. People who play that trumpet, though, are destined to be evil."

Peeta said, "I played the xylophone in band class during the days when I still attended school."

"Cool!" Christina's eyes sparkled with delight, causing Peeta's heart to palpitate yet again.

Just then, out of the house walked Effie.

"Peeta! Yoo-hoo!" she hollered. "Where are you? Ah, there you are, my dear boy! Did I interrupt you talking about your band class days again? Oh, well. Katniss has some wonderful news. Come inside!"

"Everyone," Katniss said, "I want you all to be the first to know. I'm pregnant with twins!"

Gorse and Gandalf were so happy about this turn of fortune that they kissed. Effie cried so hard with delight that mascara ran down her face, making her look like a total demon clown. Lucy and Eustace and Gale jumped up and down gleefully.

Susan, though, asked, "Why'd you have to go and have twins for? Think of how awful the labor is going to be! Also, one of them is bound to be a total delinquent, while the other…"

"Quiet, Susan," Gale said. "Let's enjoy Katniss's happiness."

"If you dare order me around ever again," Susan threatened, "I'll divorce you and force you to pay a heavy and high alimony."

Gale kept his quiet.

Peter said, "Katniss and I have already gone to Dr. Libbotomy, who performed an ultrasound. Apparently, one of the twins is a girl, while the other twin is a boy."

Katniss said, "A short green man with pointy ears came to me and suggested I name them Luke and Leia. Aren't those names just absolutely wonderful?!"

"I hate those names," Susan said. "I knew a total prissy girl named Leia, back at overpriced snobbish prestigious boarding school for upper-middle class girls. Also, I had a boyfriend named Luke once."

"Is that where you got that nickname for me?" Gale asked. "I thought you called me 'Luke' because you actually liked the name."

Lucy said, "Oh, Katniss! I'm so happy for you! By the way, everyone, while we're talking about surprises, I'm also pregnant with twins!"

"You are?" Eustace asked. "You are?! That's so stinkin' wonderful! I'm gonna be a dad! Hizzah, hizzah!"

"No you aren't." Lucy raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not?"

"They're technically clones that are growing inside of me. I didn't want kids with birth defects, so I went to Dr. Libbotomy, who found a way to take care of the problem."

"Now, why on earth would our children have birth defects? I mean, we're both perfectly healthy."

"You just don't get it, do you?"

"Hello, Will," the short, freakishly pale, emaciated girl said. "How are you this fine day?" She leaned up against the building she was standing beside. She reached a hand into the pocket of her pinstripe suit. What was in there? A gun? A vial of poison? A toothpick?!

Will, hollered out, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"That's not quite the response I was hoping for," the girl said. "Anyways, you probably have heard of me. My name is Primrose Everdeen."

"But… but… you're supposed to be dead!"

"I am dead. After the bomb ripped me into pieces, my cells decided to have a conference to deal with that situation. As a result, I have become a vampire. Neat, huh?"

Will was not impressed or interested. He had half a mind to run away. He felt like that would be a not very Dauntless thing to do, though.

"I have business for you to do," Prim said. "Are you willing to do something cruel and tasteless for the sake of blood money?"

"Who do you want me to beat up?" Will's voice shuddered as he spoke.

"It has nothing to do with beating someone up, though that might be necessary in order to get the end result. I'd like you to put someone in a walk-in freezer for me."

"Never! Who would be so mean as to do that?"

Out from behind a nearby tree walked a tall, alluring vampire with gorgeous bronze hair and hypnotic green eyes.

"If you don't agree to put someone in the freezer, you can just go for a short walk with Finnick here. No one will know where you disappeared off to." Prim grinned wickedly, cocking her fedora slightly.

"Okay, okay!" Will shuddered with utter terror. "I'll do as you ask! Who do you want me to deal with?"

"Exactly. I hate him so much."

"No, I mean, who do you want to have in the freezer?"

"You've got it right. I want Who in the freezer."

"I mean… Oh, bother!"

Finnick said, "She means she wants Doctor Who in the freezer, the Doctor. Prim, how many times do I have to tell you that 'Who' isn't his last name?"

"Shut, up, Finnick," Prim said, "or you'll go back to being unemployed in Greenland."

Johanna said, "And these onesies are amazing. I mean, even if the baby makes a total mess in the dipes, it's super absorbent."

Johanna had taken Katniss and Lucy out shopping for their expected newborns. She was very excited to be an auntie, and was looking forward to punishing the children. Tris and Christina were with them. Christina was still upset over her recent breakup, and Tris was bored, because shopping wasn't her favorite hobby at the least.

"I'll never have kids," Christina said. "Will broke up with me, and Tris and I will probably go back to Chicago before I get to know Peeta well enough to marry him."

"Now, now, Christina," Johanna said. "When Gale got married to that jerkbag Susan, I thought I would never find the right one. Then, I found Peeta, just like you did. Boy, am I sure glad you're leaving soon! That means I'll have him all to myself! Anyway, back to onesies…"

"You know, Christina," Tris said, "you don't need a man to make you happy."

"Will isn't a man," Christina said. "He's a boy. Peeta, on the other hand, is courteous and chivalrous enough to be a man. That's why I like him."

"As I was saying," Tris continued, "you should just have fun, before the burden of marriage threatens to imprison you."

"Yeah," Lucy said. "Why not let your hair down, and be wild?"

"That was called joining Dauntless," Christina replied.

Johanna interrupted, "Yoo-hoo, all-y'all! We're shopping for baby products, not playing talk show psychologist here!"

"When am I gonna have kids?" Gale wondered aloud.

He and Haymitch were sitting on the sofa, watching a rugby match on BBC Panem. He was drinking a cherry soda, and Haymitch was drinking vodka mixed with whisky.

"You know, son," Haymitch said, trying to speak in his giving-good-advice-to-younger-folks-he-feels-like-a-father-figure-to voice, "sometimes kids come when you least expect them to."

"Really?" Gale asked. "How do you know? Have you ever had kids before?"

Haymitch, feeling paternal amorousness well up inside of his heartless bosom, answered, "Of course. First came Katniss and Peeta, then came all the rest of you rotten lot."

"Oh, Haymitch! That's so sweet of you to say! If I have a boy, I might name him after you. I also might name him after Batman, my favorite super hero. If I have a girl, though, I'm definitely gonna name her after Katniss. I mean, seriously, Katniss is wickedly awesome. I've always thought that about her, except before I started thinking that about her. You get the point, though, right?"

Peeta walked down the stairs with Tobias.

He was busy said, "…which is why I never really wanted to dye my hair. I mean, who could live with that sort of disaster on your head?"

Tobias was replying, "Actually, that always worked out for me. I've used yorabulated monoglyceritic uracil as a supplementary addition to the dye."

"Would that really work?"

"Well, you obviously have thinner hair than me. You'll probably go bald right before your midlife crisis years. Also… Whoa! What's that sport on the TV?"

"It's called rugby," Gale said. "Wanna watch?"

"Sure!" Tobias grinned, and plopped himself down on the couch. "Look at those men beat each other up! Also, look at their awesome short-shorts! It's like the '80s all over again!"

Peeta, uninterested in such foul sports as rugby and toe-wrestling, went into the kitchen. There, he found Caleb.

"Peeta, where in the blue blazes has Tris been?! I'm getting really concerned! This is almost as concerning as that time when she was being executed by Jeanine and by me- I mean, by Jeanine and her lackies."

Peeta gave Caleb a concerned look, then said, "She's out shopping for baby products."

"That's all? Phew! That was a close one."

The two of them, having nothing else to do, just sat around the kitchen table, drinking herbal tea and eating some of Peeta's cookies. Peeta began to feel as if Caleb was just a regular person, despite his past of nearly getting his loved ones killed.

Which is why he still hated that Erudite's stinkin' guts.


	3. Chapter 3: The Plot Thickens Somewhat

The Doctor and Amy strolled through the Victors' Village, gazing at all of those giant houses too expensive for their incomes to pay for combined. They couldn't even get a loan on houses like that. They enjoyed gazing at them, though, and dreamed about a time when they'd both be rich thanks to reality TV and talk shows.

"Look!" Amy said. "There're lights on in that house!"

They noticed a man walking towards that house.

"Helloooo!" the Doctor hollered, trying to be friendly. It'd been three days since they'd last crashed the TARDIS and had seen any people whatsoever. This was their chance!

"Good day," the man replied. "Looks as if it'll rain, though. I hate it when it rains in the middle of summer. It makes no sense whatsoever."

"I happen to like the rain," Amy said. "But, then again, it reminds me of my home in Scotland."

The man laughed.

"I should have known you were Scottish," he said. "It's that pizzazz about you. An English man can always tell who is a Scot by their pizzazz."

"You seem to be a man of few prejudices," Amy said. "Like my husband. By the way, you might have seen him. He's about my height, very skinny, with a large nose. He's English, like you."

"What's his name?"

"Rory Williams."

"Sorry. The only Rory I know of nearby is Rory Hawthorne. He was the suitor of a deceased Primrose Everdeen."

"Primrose Everdeen? I think I recognize the name. The locals seem to fear it…"

"She's a vampire, very much feared in these parts. Poor young Rory Hawthorne has been traumatized by her attempts at pulling apart his limbs. But your Rory? Is he traumatized?"

"After dying three or four times, he's lost his sense of trauma. Oh, and, by the way, I'm Amy Pond. And you are?"

"Edmund Pevensie."

"Are you the same Edmund Pevensie who used to live at Cair Paravel? Why don't you live there anymore?"

"When you've been out of the country for a few centuries, your home often gets leased to different people. Living there right now is Caspian. Unlike me, he has no surname."

"Such a shame."

"I'm the Doctor!" the Doctor blurted out.

"Doctor who?" Edmund asked.

Suddenly, out of the house with the lights walked a pretty, dark-haired woman with a cranky-looking face.

"Edmund!" she hollered. "Finally, you're here! It's been torture!"

"Susan!" Edmund's face brightened up. He opened up his arms for a hug, but Susan walked right by and up to the Doctor.

"I know you!" she shrieked. "You're the Master's bosom buddy! You both have such a terrible sense of fashion! I mean, seriously, you're dressed like a caffeine-drugged hipster, while he's tripping about in purple velvet and ballet slippers. And what's with the bow-tie?"

"Bow-ties are cool," the Doctor replied.

Out of the house walked a lovely lady and a handsome man, hand-in-hand.

"Peter! Katniss!" Edmund's face brightened up even more.

"Edmund!" Peter and Katniss exclaimed, rushing over and enveloping him in a loving hug.

"Where in the blue blazes across the azure sky have you been?" Katniss asked.

"What on earth and the moon have you been up to?" Peter inquired.

"Now, now," Edmund said. "Let's discuss this inside. By the way, these two people seem to be lost. Their names are Amy and the Doctor. How about we offer them our hospitalities?"

"How about not?" Susan asked. "I mean, I made the food, and won't be giving it to-"

"I think that sounds great!" said the Doctor. "I am feeling rather peckish, anyway."

In the parlor of Katniss and Peter's house, Edmund told his tale of adventure and woe and merriment and fury and wrath and adventure and jollitude. It's too long to put into this story, though, so let's skip to the good part.

"After that," Edmund said, "I decided to come over here for Midsummer. The train was late, but that's okay, because I got to eat chocolate while waiting."

"That's so wonderful!" Lucy said. She was sitting next to him, and listening to absolutely everything he said with rapt attention.

"I love chocolate," Tris said. "Chocolate cake is the best part about Dauntless."

"I know," Christina said. "It makes me so happy after being depressed."

"All chocolate is great," said Gorse. "Except milk chocolate. That's for wimps."

"Agreed," said Gandalf. "That's why I married you, because you have such great taste for chocolates."

"Really? That's so sweet!"

Gorse and Gandalf kissed.

Running down the stairs came Will, holding a gun in his hands.

"Everybody down!" he hollered. "I need to kill this Doctor fellow!"

"Nice meeting you," said the Doctor. "I'm the Doctor."

"I'm gonna shoot you to Kingdom Come, you caffeine-drugged hipster!" Will had a stern look on his countenance.

"Will!" Christina said. "I am appalled that you would be acting this way! To be honest, ever since we came here, you haven't been acting like yourself. What is your problem?"

"I am working on commission." Will raised his head up high, as if he wanted to look pompous as can be.

"Commission for who?" the Doctor asked.

"Don't you mean commission 'for whom'?"

"That's straying off the subject. Grammar doesn't matter at the moment."

"Of course grammar matters at the moment!"

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes it does!"

"No, it doesn't!"

The Doctor and Will glared at each other. An awkward silence filled the room.

"Will," Christina said, "will you be nice enough to tell the Doctor who commissioned you, Will, or will you not, Will?"

"Is it the Daleks?" the Doctor asked. "How about the Slovene? Or the Cyberman, or Sontarans?"

"I am under the commission," Will said, "of Countess Primrose Everdeen."

(scary pipe organ music plays in the background)

Just then, Prim came crashing through the door.

"Hello, my pretties!" she said. "Who's ready to have the blood suck out of them?"

Everyone in the room screamed, running about like headless chickens and bumping into each other.

"We need to drive a stake through her heart!" Gandalf said. "Frodo, why don't you do it?"

"How do you drive a steak through someone's heart?" Frodo asked. "I mean, due to cholesterol, it eventually ruins the heart, but you seem to be wanting something done here and now."

"Just get a broom and stab her with it!" Gandalf looked horrified. He'd never been in a room with a vampire before, leastwise his vampire daughter. But he had to keep his calm and cool, or else his fans might not look up to him anymore.

A few hours later:

"That was a bad thing for you to do, Will!" Christina scolded. "You should not have threatened to kill the Doctor. Apologize to him right this second."

Will, blushing, and looking ashamed of his vile and disgusting deportment, mumbled, "Sorry, Doctor."

"Prim," Gorse said, "I am so disappointed in you. You've upset the good Everdeen name by leading a sanguine yet unsanguine lifestyle. You've also upset your grandmamma, Grandmamma Bertrude Smellywagger IV. If she were alive to this day, she would give me a sound spankin' for raising a child like you."

"I don't care," Prim said. "I mean, why should you care? She's not alive anymore."

"She's my mother, so whether she's alive or not, she'll take notice."

"You're so illogical! I can't believe you actually think that way!"

"Well, you're so rebellious! What are you trying to prove by acting like this?!"

Let's skip the mother-daughter argument.

"Johanna?" Peeta said, knocking on the ajar door of one of the guest rooms.

"Come in," he heard her familiar voice say.

Coming in, he saw her sitting on the bed, staring out the window, an open hardbound green leather book with yellowing pages on her lap. It was _Jane Eyre Fights the Zombies_, I think.

"Hey, Jo," Peeta said. "You know, you're like a sister to me. I don't want to marry you."

"I don't want to marry you, either, Peet," Johanna replied. "But no one else is willing to take on that burden, and I need to be saved from the evil taxes."

"But there's someone for everybody, so of course you'll find a nice guy who'll love you and want to marry you."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Um… Not really. I mean, I thought Katniss was the one God had picked out for me, but that turned out to be not true, and it's looking like I'll be single for the rest of my days."

"You're a really nice guy, Peeta. I would be surprised if you didn't find a lady who wanted you."

"But… no lady would quite match Katniss. None could be quite like her."

They were quiet for a bit.

Then, Johanna lay down, resting her head softly on the pillow.

"There's something I need to tell you."

"What?"

"Peeta, I… learned yesterday that I am going to die today as a plot twist."

She closed her eyes.

"Extra plot twist, though," she said. "I don't actually die."

Bedtime was one of the worst times for Gale, because Susan would hog the covers, and so he would have to try and fall asleep while cold and shivering up a tempestuous storm with a mighty gale force.

But, tonight, Susan said, "Gale, only one of those babies is Lucy's."

"What?" He was so perplexed, that he didn't bother to try to save a blanket for himself. "Whatever could you mean?"

"One of those babies is a clone of hers. The other, though, is ours. I don't want to be a mother, though, so I had her be a surrogate mom."

Gale's face brightened up.

"I'm… I'm… gonna be a daddy?"

He jumped up on the bed (because it had fabulous springs).

He shouted, "I'm gonna be a dad! Woo-hoo! Hurrah!"

Everyone in the house woke up to the sound of his whooping and hollering. All the tender people were like, "Awww! He finally learned the wonderful truth!" and all the cranky people were like, "I wish that wretch would shut up!"

Of course, we're among the tender… sometimes.

"Katniss," Gorse said, "your father and I are concerned about you."

"Whatever could you possibly mean?" Katniss asked.

"Well, Prim was such a sweet child, yet she turned psycho."

"No, she turned into a vampire, which can turn anyone psycho."

"You were always a mean child, yet you've turned out alright. You haven't even rebelled like her. That means there's something unnatural about you."

"What?"

"You need to step up your game- let your hair down, act like a jerk."

"But, Mom-"

"Don't 'But, Mom' me, young lady. I've had enough of your Zen attitude! You need to act more like your sister Prim, who always was my favorite child."

Susan was cleaning dishes.

"How come nobody ever helps me in here?" she complained to herself.

Right then, into the kitchen walked Amy.

"Hey, Suzie," she said.

"My name is not Suzie, you idiot! It's Susan!"

"Oops! Sorry about that!"

"No, you're not."

Susan took a plate off of the counter, and emptied the food off of it into the garbage disposal. Down the sink's gaping hole went the bubblegum and chicken bones mixed with half-eaten Brussels sprouts and whipped cream. Taking another plate, she dumped down collared greens with the dog's studded collar.

"So, Amy, you found your ditzy husband yet?"

"No."

"Lucky. For some depressing reason, I always know where mine is."

"That's helpful."

"I wish he would be more sympathetic. He doesn't understand the torture I've been through, being humiliated and all by Hermione Weasley."

"Weasley? Is she married to Ron Weasley?"

"Yes."

"He's my cousin."

Just then, smoke came out of Susan's ears, and the veins in her eyes bulged out of the whites.

"You're an in-law to that scumbag Hermione the Squealer!?"

Susan reached for the steak knife which was in the sink, and dove towards Amy.


	4. Chapter 4: Oh, my Goodness! I Ate Candy!

Gale went to the psychiatric ward to visit his wife.

"My word!" he gasped. "Susan! Did they seriously put you in a straightjacket?"

Tears formed in Susan's eyes.

"How could they do this to me?" she inquired mournfully. "I've done nothing wrong!"

"Well, you did attempt to kill Amy, which isn't socially acceptable…"

"But it was for the sake of my honor and dignity!"

"Well, if you think that, maybe you do need some psychiatric care. I always thought you were on the loopy side."

"Don't say that!"

"I have to say that. It's the truth."

"You don't love me anymore! That's why you're saying that!"

Susan sobbed her eyes out. (Literally; one of the nurses had to put them back in).

Now, let's go to some more drama.

Gandalf found out that, during his absence from District Twelve, Gorse had signed up for , because she was nostalgically wishing for her days of romance to come back. She had formed and Internet relationship with this guy called ILikeSourGrapes1312.

"Don't worry, honey," Gorse said. "We're Skyping together for the first time tonight. I'll tell him that I found out you're still alive."

The Skype on her computer made that musical bibboodibboo sound. She clicked the "Answer" icon.

On the screen came this guy who Gandalf knew all too well.

"Dumbledore!" he said. "It's you!"

"Oh, Gandalf!" Dumbledore said happily. "I knew it was your profile that kept messaging me! I knew you were ready to give our love a second chance!"

"Actually… that was my wife."

"What?! Oh, my goodness! I can't believe it!"

"Wait," Gorse said, "I was dating your ex-boyfriend?" She raised an eyebrow. "You were cheating on me back in District Seven?"

"I wasn't cheating on you," Gandalf said. "I just… thought you were dead, sort of like how you… thought I was dead."

Gorse was not convinced.

"I'm filing for a divorce!" she said. "Afterwards, I'll propose to Haymitch. I know he's not much, but he's sure better than any of Greasy Sae's sons or nephews."

Haymitch rushed down the stairs, his helmet and elbow pads and knee pads on. (He was ready to hit the skate park!)

"Really?" he asked. "You'd propose to me? This must be my lucky day! I've been planning my wedding since I was five years old! I want a tux with ruffles, and I want a ginormous cake with tons of frosting!"

He rushed back up the stairs.

"Anyways," Gorse said, "I need to speak with Katniss."

She walked up several flights of stairs and into the gables where Katniss's and Peter's room was. She knocked on the door quietly and politely. (I sure hate it when people knock like that. I also hate it when they do a police pound or a circus clown pound. I hate most types of knocking on doors.)

"Come in," Katniss said.

Gorse walked in.

"Katniss," she said, "your father and I are getting a divorce."

"Again?" Katniss groaned. "How many times do I have to remind you that his singing 'The Hanging Tree' is no grounds for divorcing him?"

"This is the real deal," Gorse said. "Back in District Seven, he was going out."

"Well, he thought you were dead, and you thought he was dead."

"I met his ex-'significant other'…"

"What's his name?"

"His? How do you know it's a guy?"

"You never figured out that dad is… Never mind. You know he loves you, anyway, and wants to pick up where you both left off in your relationship."

"Yep. He wants to go back to where I'm having to worry everyday because the dust in the coal mines might give him diseases. I told him, he should have found another job, but he was all like, 'Blah blah blah bler bluh!' Such a pity… I should have married Lou."

"Lou?"

"Mr. Mellark, Peeta's father."

"His name is Lou?"

"Yes, so?"

"Um… Nothing."

"Anyways, Katniss, I must say that you're absolutely incorrigible. Your father and I have agreed that you are not rebellious enough."

"What? Most parents are happy when their kids don't disobey."

"We are officially disowning you."

"What?! But I-"

"No buts, Katniss, or I'll whack you on the butt with the spanking spoon. You're not at all like your sister Prim, who has matched all of our dearest expectations."

Katniss hated being compared to her sister Prim.

"How come Prim is always the favorite in this family?" she asked her mother crossly. "Is it because she's your darling little blonde baby, and I'm the Sasquatchly hairy Esau older child?"

"It's not like that, Katniss. Look, I know you're not traditionally pretty like Prim and me, but-"

"No, I see how it is. I can do nothing right, now can I? Must I always be your little wretch child? Can't I ever be good enough for anything?! You want me gone! That's what you want!"

Katniss stormed out of her room. Walking down the stairs, she bumped into Peter.

"Whoa!" he said. "What's wrong?"

Tears formed in Katniss's eyes.

"Get her out of here!" Katniss ordered. "I can't stand her, or him!"

"Your parents?"

Katniss nodded, sobbing.

Peter held her close. Running his fingers through her hair, he muttered soothing words. He kissed her on the top of her head. Arm around her shoulders, he led her all the way down the stairs and into the kitchen. He made her some hot chocolate, and they just sat together for a while. Quietly.

At that moment, Johanna was dancing about in her bedroom with Caleb, Will, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin.

"Come on, boys!" she hollered. "That dancing isn't feisty enough! Shake some butty, honeys!"

Apparently, Merry was good at shimmeying. Also, Pippin did a great solo singing "Corner of the Sky". Frodo could do the salsa. Sam, though, had a pure and clear voice for poetry, which made him a totally beast rapper.

"Keep up that rapping!" Johanna said. "I wanna know how the hustle met the bustle met the tustle!"

"How come you like his talent better than the rest of ours?" Pippin asked, frowning.

"Well, his rapping sure beats Caleb's talent," Johanna replied. "I mean, seriously, who drinks soda through a straw using their nose?"

"What did you think of my talent, Johanna?" Will asked… flirtatiously.

"Spitting?" Johanna groaned. "It landed in my ear!"

"Bullseye!" Will smiled. Johanna thought his smile was cute, but couldn't care less for his "talent."

Into the room walked Gale.

"I'm back from visiting Susan," he said. "Boy, is she whacko or what? I shouldn't have married her." Tears formed into his eyes. "I love her, but… I just can't deal with her anymore."

He sat down on Johanna's bed, his face in his hands, sobbing.

The four hobbits climbed onto the bed and sat around him, comforting him.

"There, there, Galeypoo!" Sam said. "Just divorce her, and make her pay the alimony instead of you! That always works in the end!"

"Yeah," Merry said. "When my Uncle Elizabeth got a divorce, he made Aunt William pay the alimony, and it got so stressful, that they ended up owning a bank together! Now they're totally making bank!"

Just then, Frodo glared at Will.

"You spit on me!" he said.

"No, I didn't!" Will replied defensively.

Frodo pulled out of his pocket a water pistol. He squirted Will with it several times.

"I'm so stinkin' sick and tired of you spittin' on me ev'ry stinkin' day!"

Meanwhile, Susan was hanging out with Prim at the psychiatric ward.

"When's Finnick gonna be back with our drinks?" she asked. "Goodness! Why do you keep him around if he's so stinkin' slow?!"

Prim laughed, replying, "He's cheaper to hire than most others, and at least he gets the job done."

They were both on the flat roof of the psychiatric ward building, sunbathing. Right on the edge of the roof was a diving board, for anyone who wanted to jump off and kill themselves. That, currently, wasn't Susan's desire, and Prim was already technically dead.

Both ladies were in the white towels they wore to their full-body massages. They stole them from the psychiatric ward's massage therapist, who was very cross with them.

Finnick appeared onto the roof, carrying three drinks on a tray, in the white towel he wore to his full-body massage.

"Oh, Finnick!" Prim said, being handed over her drink. "You're abs are sure hotter than Gale's!"

Susan glared at Prim, her face getting red with anger.

"My husband abs are way hotter than Finnick's!" she exclaimed. "I mean, they're a nice brown color compared to that ghastly vampire paleness!"

"Wait," Finnick said, "are we talking about _Twilight_? Because I agree with Susan that Jacob's tan tummy sure is hotter than Edward's zero-pack."

Prim groaned.

"You two are unbearable!" she said. "Anyways, I have come up with a plan. You see, we need to travel more. Therefore, I decided, upon receiving plane ticket waivers from the psych ward's financial advisor and permission slips from the psych ward's secretary, we should all go to the Bahamas."

"So I can get a tan and look like those hotties Jacob and Gale!" Finnick said.

"You're a vampire," Susan said. "Sorry to tell you that, but you'll never get tan."

Finnick frowned.

He then asked, "Will we need our parents to call the psychiatric ward in order for us to receive the permission slips?"

"I dunno," Prim replied. "Probably. That shouldn't be a problem for me, because Mommy and Daddy absolutely adore me. It's Katniss whom they can't stand."

"But I don't really want to go to the Bahamas…" Susan muttered.

"Say what?!" Prim and Finnick inquired all and both at the same time.

Susan answered, "I want to go to District Seven, to deal with the grudge I have against Hermione Weasley."

"And how are you to deal with the grudge?" Prim asked, rolling her eyes.

But Susan replied stoically, "Kill her."


	5. Chapter 5: Murder, Illness, and Toenails

Susan, Prim, and Finnick were waiting excitedly, tickets in hand, and luggage on that rubber black chute-like moving thing that I'm forgetting the name of at the moment. They were on their way, not to the Bahamas, not to District Seven, but to Tahiti, which some guy told them is "a magical place". Thankfully, the train station wasn't busy that day, so they were the only ones there. It gave them time to calm down.

"I've never been to Tahiti before," Prim said. "Actually, I've never been out of Panem at all."

"I bet it's lovely over there," Finnick said. "I hope there are plenty of waves for me to surf."

"I'm just excited to get out of this place," Susan said. "I mean, it's gotten kind of… Oh, my word! Gale!"

Sure enough, Gale was walking towards their direction.

"Hey, Susan!" he hollered. "Don't get on the train yet!"

"The train isn't even here yet, dummy," Susan replied. "What do you want?"

Gale was within a few feet of her.

"I…uh…" He started to stutter. "I just wanted to tell you, before you left, that being married to you has been utterly lousy."

"The feeling is mutual," Susan replied. "Our lives together have been nothing but bullcrap. How about we say we get a divorce, and I don't force you to pay alimony?"

Gale sighed.

"Sorry, Susan," he said. "That just won't fix the pain you've caused in me."

"What will?" Susan asked. "Seriously, I can't be so terrible that I've scarred you for life? What sort of a person do you take me for? Huh? Tell me now, Gale."

Her husband was silent, and looked down at his feet.

"Gale? What can I do to make you feel better?"

Gale looked at her.

"This," he said, pulling a pistol out of his coat pocket and pointing it at her.

He pulled the trigger.

Meanwhile, back at Katniss and Peter's house, Peeta was in his bedroom, looking out the window. Beside him was Christina. Slowly, his hand crept towards hers. She curled her fingers around his.

"I don't want to marry Johanna," he said. "There's another girl I like…"

"Who, Peeta?"

"Oh, Chrissy, you know who. It's you."

"You know, I wouldn't normally be okay with being called Chrissy, but there's something calming about the way you say it."

Peeta and Christina turned to face each other. Christina smiled.

"Oh, Peeta…"

She shifted her weight from her feet soles to the front parts, lifting herself up to kiss Peeta on the mouth. Their lips met, and it was at that point when they realized everything was going to be alright in their world.

Christina then coughed.

Wiping the saliva from his eyes, Peeta asked, "Are you okay? That didn't seem like a normal cough."

"I'm okay," Christina said.

A second later, though, she coughed again.

"Okay, I'm not okay," Christina replied. "Wow. I can't believe I lied. Feels dirty. Anyway, I've been feeling crappier and crappier these past few months. The doctor who would come by Dauntless monthly said I might have a weak immune system."

Within a weak, Christina had become bedridden with illness. Gorse, being a trained healer, was allowed back into the Everdeen-Pevensie residence to give the sickness-stricken young lady daily checkups. Once each checkup was over, though, Katniss made sure Gorse got sent back out.

"Is there anything else you might need?" Peeta asked, sitting on the side of Christina's bed. He had brought for her hot soup with crackers, and was holding her hand gently. "Are the blankets alright?"

"Peeta," she said, "it's the middle of summer. How many blankets do I need?"

"Um… Okay. I guess you're right. What about the pillow, though? Is it comfortable enough?"

"Of course it is, Peeta. Remember? I made you go back to the linen closet and get a comfier one."

There was silence between them for a second.

"Peeta?"

"Yes, Chrissy?"

"I know what's going to happen to me. I'm withering away, Peeta, and I'm in need of spiritual comfort."

"Should I call for Reverend Saidconifer, or Rabbi Beys'hakresas, or the Painted One?"

The next day, after a checkup from Gorse, the Seam's shaman the Painted One arrived to visit Christina.

"Hello, my dear," the old shaman said. "You look tired."

"I am," Christina replied.

"Young man," the Painted One said to Peeta, "leave. Let me talk to the young lady privately."

Once Peeta left, Christina said, "If there's one desire I have, it's that I won't die at this place and at this time."

"That's not for you to decide," the Painted One replied. "And death isn't the end of everything, for you'll still live on in the essence of the Divine Three-Headed Goddess."

"What happens after I die?"

"We all have three totem animals: an Earth animal, a Sky animal, and a Water animal. You ride on the back of one of your animals, depending on what your destination is after leaving your body. Your Earth animal climbs you to the top of Mount Olympus. Your Sky animal flies you up to the Star Country. And, last but not least, your Water animal swims you over to Avalon."

"How do you recognize your totem animals when you die?"

"Your spirit will recognize them."

"Do non-human animals have humans as their totem animals?"

"Um… I never quite looked at it that way. Maybe."

"Also, what if all of my friends go to the Star Country, but I end up on Mount Olympus or in Avalon?"

"Now, now, you can always travel if you so desire. Death leaves a lot of wiggle room for its participants."

"How do I know I'll get to my destination safely?"

"You'll be cremated while wrapped in a sturdy blanket made of all of your toe-nail clippings. I hope you've saved every clipping you've clipped."

Christina was appalled.

Finally, she said, "You know, you aren't quite how I expected you to be. I thought you'd be more… indigenous to this area."

"I was born here, if that's what you're referring to," the Painted One replied.

"I bet you weren't even born on this continent. You're probably from England or Australia or somewhere."

"I may be pale, but that doesn't mean I'm not Seam. I mean, look at Primrose Everdeen."

"That's not the point. What sort of a racist do you think I am? The Seam isn't made of skin color. I'm referring to the fact that your accent isn't anything that can be found in Panem. Also, your spiritual ideas are some whacked-out synthesis of various world mythologies. Painted One, assuredly I say unto you, you're a stinking fraud!"

The Painted One looked horribly offended.

So the fraudulent shaman left.

And lost all tribal membership among the Seam and the Scranch, and the Spair.

Christina's dying wish was to go back to her home in Chicago. It would not do good to die in District Twelve, where the dead and deceased are buried with their toenails and in shady cemeteries outside of town.

She boarded a train with Peeta and Tris, her two dearest friends on the planet Earth. They were headed towards District Nine, which, other than Chicago, is known for its epically failed town Ember, which ran out of resources and sustainability. But that's okay, because the Emberites ran off to Sparks, a town which hadn't caught on to District Nine's electric exports memo and was viewed as part of the third world.

Once in District Nine, Christina mentioned that she could smell Chicago already, and was feeling much better, despite a natural urge to lay down and die. After several train stops at blink-'n'-misses, though, they finally reached Chicago.

"Now, it's time to jump," Tris said to Christina. "Are you feeling up to it?"

"If it takes me home," Christina replied, "yes."

Christina, Tris, and Peeta jumped off of the train.

Sadly, they landed on the wrong side of the gate. Therefore, they were stuck outside of the city.

"Oh, no!" Christina groaned. "We'll never be allowed through the gate, and we'll be stuck in Amity, and…"

"Why won't you be allowed through the gate?" Peeta asked.

Tris explained, "It's because we obviously are not skilled enough at jumping on and off of trains, despite having done it a bajillion times."

"And what's wrong with Amity?"

Tris looked serious.

"Peeta," she said, "Amity are a ferocious and fearful civilization, known for being aggravatingly kind to others."

Peeta nodded his head slowly. "Sounds like my type."

The Amity grounds surrounded the outer areas of the gate, so it didn't take long for the Amity folks to find the two healthy folks and one sick one.

"Welcome!" one of them said. "It's a really psychedelic day today. Ain't that groovy?"

"Get out of the way, scumbag!" Tris said. "We've got a sick person here!"

"I recognize you," another one said. "I had to inject peace serum into you when you attacked that one boy…"

"You said you've got a sick gal?" the first one inquired. "That's groovy, dude! We can take her to our healer lady. She's well renowned for her righteous healing abilities. We can take you to her."

The three travelers had nothing to do but follow the slang-speaking Amity person. They were led to a tipi that was somewhat outside the even the boundaries of Amity itself. It looked somewhat sketchy- cozy, but sketchy.

"I thought Chicagoan doctors were all… What's that word? Erudite?" Peeta's voice sounded confused. "Why is there a healing lady at Amity?"

The gleeful and giddy slang-speaker explained, "Amity has a variety of medical problems which require immediate assistance, dog! In order to go through the gate into the city, though, one is required to have a pass. Not every Amity cat's got one of those. You dig?"

"Do I dig what? A hole?"

"Yup, you sure dig, dog! You're one cool cat! Lookee, now we're here. Yoo-hoo! Chicken Lark! We've got a sickie!"

Out of the tipi walked a short young lady, with wavy brown hair and poorly prescribed glasses (she was planning on getting new ones sometime soon; that way, she could read fantasy novels with shirtless guys on the front covers). She was Chicken Lark, curandera and healer of passless Amity.

"Hello, darlings!" she said. "I see you've brought strangers to my realm, Earthy Soil. Now, leave, and take that young man with you. I allow no males in my realm."

Slang-speaking and happy-as-pie-crust Earthy Soil took Peeta's hand, and walked him back towards the rest of the Amity settlement.

"Sorry about your male companion," Chicken Lark apologized. "Men are not appropriate for the property upon which lives those participated in the communal group lesbian marriage which I am apart of. We all agreed on that. Before I contemplate giving the sick girl surgery, shall I introduce you to my wives?"

Tris said, "We have no time to meet your wives. Christina is on her deathbed, for goodness' sake!"

Just then, though, out of the tipi came a handful of young ladies.

"This is Star Dancer," Chicken Lark said. "And these here are Summer and Winter Tide. Also, here is Sparrow. Jazzy must be around here somewhere. Oh, and here is Moonstone. She's my older sister, so she thinks she's the boss of me. Of course, I'm the boss around here."

Chicken Lark led Christina and Tris into the tipi.

"Sit on that bed by the wall," she ordered Christina.

"How is it a wall when it's made of dead animal skin?" Christina inquired.

"Silence, and sit down!"

Christina obediently sat down.

Chicken Lark advanced towards her. She grabbed Christina's hand, bit into it, and sucked up some of the blood. In her mouth, she divided the plasma from the red and white blood cells. Then, she put her mouth to Christina's nose, and spit the plasma into the right nostril and the red and white blood cells into the left nostril.

Christina sputtered, but then felt her headache leave, and her heartburn leave, and her Caucasian-like pallor leave, and her constant menstrual cramps leave, and her toe fungus leave, and every other malady leave.

"Chicken Lark," she said, "I believe you've healed me."

"Awww!" Chicken Lark blushed. "It was nothing! I do stuff like that all the time!"

Just then, into the tipi walked the vampire of Susan.

"I smell blood!" she exclaimed greedily, licking her red vampire lipsticked lips.


	6. Chapter 6: Fluffliest of Fluff

Susan was weeping repentedly.

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. I just… I now like the taste of blood, that's all."

Chicken Lark, with all her wisdom and healing powers, said, "I can heal you of your vampirism."

After doing her healing shbang, which included tons of spitting, Susan fell on the ground, dead. I mean, she already was that, anyway. Of course, after the vampirism left, she developed zombiism, and for many years afterwards traveled around the countryside terrorizing the farmers and peasants.

Meanwhile, back in District Twelve, Caleb and Will were at the river, skipping rocks over the moving smooth cool water.

"Whoa!" Will said. "Where'd you learn to skip rocks like that?"

"I dunno," Caleb said, trying not to brag. "I guess it's just natural."

Will laughed. He picked up the least smooth rock possible, and attempted to skip it. Of course, to play the role of Captain Obvious, the rock could not skip if it's nonbiological life depended on it.

"You know, Caleb," Will said, "that Johanna lady's kind of cute…"

"You're already bored with me?" Caleb inquired defensively. "Like you got bored with Christina?"

"No!" Will looked shocked. "I'm just saying, though… I mean… It's just a comment. She's not as hot as you. Also, she's way more of a jerk than you are."

"If you say so," Caleb said, suspiciously.

"Hey, look!" Will said. "There's Four!"

Four was walking by the river side, whacking at dragonflies with a fishing pole.

"Yo!" he said upon seeing Will and Caleb. He smiled, which was strange. I think the Appalachian air affected him, as he now smiled more often and was an all-around friendlier person. "What's the crack on?"

"We're skipping rocks," Will answered, smiling widely. To him, Four was like the big brother he'd never had. He'd had four older sisters, who loved to pick on him. Once, all four of them put glue on his seat four days in a row.

Caleb didn't very much like Four. Still, the daunting Dauntless fellow took much better care of his sister than he ever did, with those Death Serums and executions and all. Right now, he decided to smile and be friendly, though.

"What are you doing with the fishing pole, Four?" Caleb asked.

Four grinned, and replied, "I'm going fishing. I've never done that before. I wonder what it'd be like to be a fish caught on a hook… I mean, seriously, would it be like having a barbed dagger stuck in the roof of your mouth? That would be mighty painful! Still, I've heard many a time that fishing is a calming and relaxing pastime."

Four plopped himself onto the ground. He dug in the dirt in the grass next to him until he found an earthworm.

Sticking it onto the fishing hook, he said, "Poor worm. I really should be nicer to it. When I was little, I would eat worms, and they weren't all that tasty. They tasted too much like the food my grandfather would cook."

He cast the line out into the river.

"You know," he said, "I sure miss Tris. (Haha! Miss Tris! That rhymes!) But seriously, I wish she were here. She's my cuddle buddy, and we play Call of Duty Black Ops together, because we're violent military people who love playing games where we blow up everything."

"Caleb and I play Mario Carts together," Will said. "Don't we, Caleb?"

Caleb suddenly got a gloomy look across his countenance.

"We were going to finish that game of Sudoku," he said, "but you got bored."

Will giggled.

"How can you stand playing a math game?" he inquired, inconsiderate of the fact that his boyfriend is a total nerd, so of course he'd love a game for brainiacs! "You really should let your hair down, Cay-Cay. I mean, you would let it down if you had hair long enough to let down, wouldn't you? You wouldn't be so uptight like you are in your present state, wouldn't you?"

Meanwhile, Lucy was in her bed, giving birth to the twins. No one heard her screams, but she didn't want help, anyway. She pushed, and, after putting pepper in her nose to get herself to sneeze so the babies would come out easier, her three day labor was over. Taking the butcher knife she kept on her night table, she cut the umbilical cords.

"At last," she said, "it's all over. I really wish they hadn't come out feet first. That was extremely horrible. Also, I wish Johanna would have brought up the morphling like I'd told her to a week ago. She spends too much time injecting it into herself."

Lucy named the children Jacob and Esau. Esau was the name of her clone child. I don't know what sort of mother would name her daughter Esau. (Due to how Jacob and Esau were not real siblings, as Lucy was not Jacob's bio-mom, the two of them eventually got married; but, alas, that's a story for another time).

Jacob, Esau, and Katniss's twin children Luke and Leia, all learned to swim at less than a month old. At their baptisms, they were accidentally left in the water a bit too long, so they swam in order to prevent themselves from drowning.

The Doctor and Amy were chosen to be their godparents. I don't know why. It's not like anyone knew the Doctor and Amy all that well. I mean, they could be mass murderers, for all we know! (Not to sound like Dr. Leo Marvin, to all you gigglers out there!)

Eustace had no custody over Jacob and Esau, because he was not the biological father. Also, Gale had no custody over Jacob, because he was too busy twiddling his thumbs in prison for the brutal murder of Susan Pevensie-Hawthorne. (He was soon to pull the insanity plea, so he would thereafter be allowed to resume his normal life and walk the streets of town, pretending to be a perfectly safe person to have in neighborhoods like your own).

One day, Katniss answered a knock at the door. There was a pig and a sheep, both walking on their hind legs, in baby blue tuxedos. One of the them was carrying pamphlets, the other was carrying a Bible.

"Good day, toots," the pig said. "Wanna hear about God?"

"I already attend church, thank you very much," Katniss replied. "One of my neighbors sure is living in sin, though. You should try and convert him."

"How dare you judge him?!" The sheep was horrified. "Your judgmentalism will get you sent to the pit of Hell, where you will burn for the rest of eternity! Muahahahahahahahaha!"

"I heard that a couple of murderers live here," the pig said, "as well as a drunken skater dude, a District Seven wizard, a gay couple, and a handful of gladiatorial reality TV stars. Therefore, you have no place to judge."

If there was someone in this world whom Katniss hated more than Prezident Snoww, it waz this JerKish pigg ∧ sheep. Therefore, shee slappd 'em across the facce.

Just kidding! She would never do something so cruel and awful! I mean, seriously, it's not like she's Susan!

She decided she might dye her hair rainbow colors later on that evening.

Of course, she would first have to attend the Seam's powwow. She hated dancing of all kinds (the Midsummer community dance had been utter torture, but Peter had insisted she come), but everyone in the Seam really wanted her to do the Plant Dance. She drew the line at the Motherhood Dance, because she didn't want to do anything that reminded her of the agonizing labor she went through.

So, for now, she would have to save dying her hair for later.

Meanwhile, back in Amity, Peeta and Christina were in an apple orchard, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. It was so romantic. I mean, there's nothing more romantic than a guy showing you his affection by sticking his tongue into your nostril. (Okay, that piece of info was way trashy, even for this story!)

"Oh, Christina!" Peeta said. "Please, will you marry me?"

"Oh, Peeta!" Christina said, nibbling on his left eyebrow. "I thought you'd never ask! Of course I'll marry you!"

They fell out of the tree. They didn't care, though, because they knew their upcoming marriage was going to be so happy that broken bones wouldn't matter.

Voldemort was watching them from afar, through his binoculars.

"They think they're getting married?" he said to his evil henchpuppy, Mr. Snuggles. "Not if I have anything to do with it! I will never let my daughter get legally taxed together with a painter who bakes as a hobby!"


	7. Chapter 7: The Fabulous Finale

It was on Yule when Peeta and Christina were to be married. (Peeta wanted it on Christmas, but Christina decided she wanted to "be born with the Sun"). Everyone of their relatives and friends were invited, but, since they were a couple of cheap people, they decided the wedding reception would be a potluck. (Actually, any readers out there who have opinions on this sort of thing, would a potluck reception for a wedding be a bad idea? Or does it have some good frugality to it?)

Tris was going to be the maid of honor, of course, because she and Christina were, like, totes BFFs. Peeta couldn't quite figure out who he wanted as best man, though, since the guys he was living with all creeped him out a bit too much.

"Why not Gale?" Christina asked. "You've known him a while."

"Gale?!" Peeta was appalled. "He's a murderer! Also, he was my rival during mating season for a while, so him as best man would awkward me out."

"What about Peter?"

"I like him and all, but he always glares at me, because of when Katniss and I were a thing."

"Eustace?"

"He's married to his cousin, which is so totally a step away from Lannister! It sends the shivers up and down my spine!"

"Caleb?"

"That back-stabbing executioner?!"

"Will?"

"He broke your heart, which only makes me want to beat him up."

"How about Four?"

"He's so stern, and always seems to want to attack me…"

Eventually, they decided upon Haymitch being the best man, because he and Peeta had been roommates ever since the Panemian Revolutionary War. Of course, Haymitch said he'd be best man only if he was allowed to wear his "wicked rocker outfit" to the wedding.

They decided upon Dumbledore to officiate the wedding. Of course, he was so thrilled that those young'uns asked him, and was willing and able to get them blissfully married.

"But Christina," he said, "will your father be there? Who's going to give you away?"

"Ah, he'll show up." Christina scratched her nose carelessly. "He loves weddings and funerals, because they remind him that happiness can't truly last."

Everyone came for the wedding, which was held in the Seam's tiny, old, rickety, church with black mold on the walls. All of the hobbits were sitting in the front row, with pompoms and megaphones, cheering on their friends in cheerful support. Johanna was sitting near them, with Will and Caleb next to her. Both Will and Caleb kept pointing at her and whispering to each other.

During the middle of the vows, Johanna got so fed up that she stood on her pew, and shouted, "Could you two stop staring and talking all clandestinely?! If you think I'm pretty, tell me! If not, keep your stankin' mouths shut!"

Both boys blushed beet red.

Dumbledore inquired, "Are we going to be having a double wedding? Which of those fine young men do you choose?"

Johanna thought, then said, "I can't stand either of them. I would rather marry Frodo."

Frodo stood up on the pew, and looked straight up into Johanna's eyes.

"You really like me?" he asked. "Because… I've had the biggest crush on you ever since I met you. You're like the Peggy Eaton to my Andrew Jackson."

"You're not like Andrew Jackson," Johanna said. "You respect women and people of other races too much, which is why I like you."

"Johanna Leopold Mason," Frodo said, "will you please marry me?"

Johanna grabbed Frodo by the hand, helped him off the pew, and led him up to the altar, where Christina and Peeta were standing. Peeta was smiling, because he was a push-over and was okay with people drawing the attention away from him on his wedding day. Christina, though, was totes peeved. How _dare _that Mason lady steal her spotlight?!

Dumbledore kept saying the vows.

Finally, he got to the part where he said, "Does anyone object to these marriages?"

A voice from the back of the church, out of the sanctuary, out past the holy water, and out in the entrance hallway, shouted, "I object to the marriage of my daughter Christina to the tortured artist baker fellow!"

Into the church sanctuary walked Lord Voldemort himself.

"Voldemort!" Dumbledore shouted. "So, at last, we meet again!"

Voldemort said, "I wish for my daughter Christina to marry a man of greater status!"

"But, Daddy!" Christina said, happy that the attention was back on her. "Peeta is a Victor from both the seveenty-foorth and seffenty-fivth Hunger Games, so he is technically indentured royalty over here. Added to that, he almost got married to Katniss Everdeen herself, which makes his status go up even higher."

"But, Christina!" Voldemort pleaded. "Don't you wish to marry my godson, Draco Malfoy, better known as Delly Cartwright?"

"I can't stand Draco! His breath smells like rotting meat!"

"That's because he's the Reaver which bit the tongue off of Captain Malcolm Reynolds, sexiest captain alive next to Captain Kirk with his new toupee."

Christina was shocked.

"You don't say?" she inquried.

Dumbledore said, "Voldemort, dear, the reason you don't want Christina to get married is because you never got the wedding of your dreams."

"The wedding of my dreams would be any wedding in which my true love, Gorse, would get married to me."

Gorse stood up onto her pew.

"You mean you wanna marry me?!" she hollered. "Let's make this a triple wedding!"

She walked up to the altar with Voldemort.

So, all three happy couples got married. They were so happy.

During the reception, Caleb and Will snuck off, out into the woods.

"Oh, Will!" Caleb said. "I can't believe this night! The stars shine almost as brightly as your eyes, and… this mountain we stand on breathes like air flowing through your nasal cavity from your lungs."

Will sighed, saying, "That's so romantic, my love. I wish I could be with you for forever, but… there are some things you'll soon find out about."

"Like what?"

Lucy was walking through the woods just then, with Eustace. They were hand-in-hand, smiling at each other. But, their faces went downcast when they noticed the sorrow upon the visages of Caleb and Will.

"I know Will's secret," Lucy said. "He's not a Son of Adam… He's a faun."

Caleb gasped.

"It's true," Lucy said. "He's Mr. Tumnus's nephew."

Just then, through the woods ran Gale. He was foaming at the mouth, and his gray eyes were like those of a madman.

He rushed towards Eustace, biting his neck so hard that it broke.

"No!" screamed Lucy. She picked up a large stick that was lying on the ground, and beat Gale across the head with it until he got knocked out. She then knelt by her husband.

"Oh, Lucy," Eustace said, with his dying breath (because, sometimes neck breaking has processible results, sort of like GMOs). "Please, my love, tell me you'll take care of yourself, and Jacob and Esau. I loved them as if they were my own children, and they more than made up for my sterility."

"I love you, Eustace," Lucy said, giving him a smooch across the lips.

"Adieu, ma cherie." Eustace then breathed his last.

Just then, the Tardis appeared from out of thin air.

"Oh, lookee!" the Doctor said, stepping out of the Tardis. "Useless Eustace is dead. Hey, Lucy, wanna come with me?"

"Why not?" Lucy asked herself. She rushed into the Tardis, saying, "So long, boys! Male lovers come and go, but the Tardis is always there for you!"

"But what about us?" Caleb asked. "We want to see all of space and time, too!"

Amy stuck her head out of the Tardis.

"We'll be sure to send postcards, in that case," she said. "Come along, Lucy. Once we do away with the Doctor, and once we find some of our gal pals, this Tardis will only be home for the 'verse's finest females, like Chicken Lark."

To make a long story short, Jacob and Esau lived on the Tardis with Lucy, Amy, and their gal pals. Jacob, though, was kicked out once he reached puberty. He went to live with the Doctor, who lived all alone in a hobbit hole with Bilbo. Peter and Katniss then adopted Jacob, who later got an internship with Caleb and Will studying poisonous creatures in Australia. Johanna and Frodo had seventeen hairy-toed children, all brunettes except for the one blonde (who received a Ph.D in physics) and the one redhead (who won the Nobel Peace Prize). Prim and Rory were reunited upon death in Avalon, and Susan and Gale were reunited upon death in the Telestial Level of Heaven. Gorse and Voldemort decided to use Haymitch as their go-to guy when they needed something to steal, and Peeta and Christina moved to some fjord in Antarctica and were never heard of ever again. Everybody else did something cool, I think.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Finis.


End file.
